I bet you thought I’d cease with these little journal entries when I came back home to the grand ole city of Columbus for the summer. You thought wrong.
My life has continued to ebb and flow, move and shake, as they say, even when I’m supposed to be on a “break.” I’m nowhere near done yet.
Unconfirmed as of last posting, I’ll be interning at the downtown Ohio EPA office this summer as one of their ‘college interns.’ I’m not really sure what it is I’ll be doing –– the interview process involved me correcting AP Style errors and shortening sentences for brevity, more editorial than environmental skills. I could be sorting papers, for all that matters: All I know is it’s going to look spectacular on my environmental communications resumé.
Which reminds me: I still don’t really know what it is I want to do with said environmental communications career.
I can’t quite quantify the job position, tasks, goals, initiatives I want to involve myself with. And that’s terrifying for someone who likes to plan ahead.
This is what I feel like I’m walking into:
Scary, right?
What I’ve realized in these past 3 weeks of self-reflection in that I have a lot of INTERESTS.
[writing, keeping up with the news, how science works, conservation and the environment, blogging, creating art, photography, speaking out on issues I’m passionate about, traveling, social media, meditating, yoga, reading books, being an advocate, speaking my voice, poetry]
Is it truly possible for me to combine all of these INTERESTS, PASSIONS into a cohesive CAREER? Am I crazy to think that I can do everything I love for the rest of my able-bodied working career? What am I willing to sacrifice, to change, to compromise –– or am I too optimistic to believe I won’t have to give any of it up?
This entire last semester, I walked around in a daze, confused, and skeptical of the path I set myself upon in my inaugural semester. And now, I can’t help but feel fearful, perhaps a little paranoid, at the seemingly empty tunnel of the future I’m staring into.
When I let my worries run amok, anxiety coats my skin like a cloak. Is college truly a breeding ground for talents, for discovery –– or will I end up choking on the words, the actions I said and did for what it is I really want in the future?
I have to suspend all my fears and let go. I really, really have to. There is no other option, at this point. I can’t call upon a magical godmother, I can’t have other people tell me what to do.
I have to listen to my own heart, and go my own way.
I find myself here on my knees again, caught up in grace like an avalanche … Take my life, take all that I am.
Until next month,
BNB, xo
This post also appears on labellamemoir.tumblr.com
Bethany N. Bella 