Three Month Journal: The ever-colliding present

The value of human life is an indescribable blessing, when you take it for what it is.

We are given so many choices and opportunities every day – chances to live a better life. Or chances to give a better life to someone else.

And the sun rises, regardless of our darkest of hours – yet sometimes, we continue to live in a never-ending nightmare of night, convinced the world will never, ever turn to our favor. And there are some who, despite our best intentions, believe this lie. The lie and promise of eternal sleep.

I can’t say I’ve never been there. I can’t say I’ve never wanted, more than anything, just to sleep, to end all this fatigue and anxiety and shame.

“The scars – both physical and emotional – have continued to linger, like dust rising from the ashes of a burning savannah. They manifest on my darkest days, and lie dormant even on my best.”

I wrote this post, about a self “reawakening,” in early November – and I’ve been struggling to blend my past and my future into my current self ever since.

“I have not forgotten that there are other women in this world – women not as fortunate as myself – who continue to live a life crippled by the calorie, fatigued by failure and miserable by movement. I am one of the fortunate few who have continued to live past such bleakness and have managed to shield most of my misery from the public eye.”

Sometimes, it feels like these scars etched into my skin are holding me back from the dreams in my head, like an iron-clad rope that’s tethering me in the sunken soil. Invisible shackles on my heels, while my wings long to fly.

I believe there is a battle raging inside us – inside all of us – between who we were and who we want to be. But, we inherently devalue the human experience and the blessing of change: the marvelous, terrifying creature of the NOW.

I should want to change who I was: that’s all part of my very own human evolution. To deny myself this flexibility – this FREEDOM – to change, to adapt, is punishing in the most unappreciated manor. Then again, I worry – incessantly worry – about what will happen, and consequently what won’t happen. What should I do tomorrow to get me where I want to be in 10 years? What logic is there in this madness?

But it is here, in the ever-beautiful, ever-colliding present where we live, and where we will live in perpetuity. Not then, not when, but now.

Breathing in and appreciating the pains with the gains, breathing out and letting go of all that was and all that could be. This is where we are born again and again – where we don’t have to live in continual darkness, but can close our eyes, just for a moment, and rejoin the light soon.

For at the end of the day, it is here that I remember. I remember the smiles. I remember how someone made me feel. I remember the sunshine and the air and the colors of the sky.

In short, I remember the immediate, though my mind strives for the imaginary. And it is here, in the immediate, where I will begin anew, each day – shouldering the invisible burdens from my past and carrying them to an unmarked future, while living fully in the moment.

And I will be grateful for every breath – for every chance – to live again.

Until next month,

BNB, xo

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